Healing Hopeful Hearts and the Holidays

Having lived through years of infertility, a miscarriage and ultimately living a childlessness life, I can speak from experience that the holidays, especially Christmas, can be excruciating for those trying to conceive, grieving a miscarriage or childless due to infertility or circumstance. Often we are unaware that our friends or family members are struggling. These are very private struggles that are rarely discussed openly, mainly because it can be too painful to talk about freely. Women struggling with infertility and miscarriage, not only experience grief as the try to process the loss of their dream to be a mother month after month, or as they try to process the loss of their pregnancy, but they are dealing with feelings of shame, guilt, anger and despair. 

When you add in the holidays and we see posts on social media of everyone’s children in matching Christmas plaids, it’s a holiday recipe for heartache. Every sweet little girl at mass in a red velvet dress and white tights and curious little boy in corduroy pants and a bow tie, is a painful reminder and a sword to the heart of the women grieving the loss of, or severe delay of, their hopes to become a mother. These scenes are reminders to these women that they are not yet, and may never be a mother. If you were to ask any woman that has lived with infertility, or through a miscarriage, they would all tell you they are genuinely happy for those around them with beautiful, growing families, but the sight of that family can also create a boulder of sadness that weighs heavily on their hearts, especially during the holidays.

I share these insights with you to bring awareness and understanding that if someone in your life is struggling with infertility or miscarriage, you can help champion them. I have had people say to me (my own family, as well as friends and a few strangers) they were curious about my struggle but they didn’t know how to ask, or if it was ok to talk about. The answer is yes, it is ok to talk about, but keep a few things in mind if you do. Many women welcome the chance to talk about their struggles, but they will rarely bring it up, however if asked, they will most likely be grateful for the chance to share their story with you. Just be sure to ask in private and from a place of love.  It is important to listen and simply seek to understand. That’s all you need to do. Try to be careful of your comments and avoid saying things such as “When are you going to have children?” “It’s your turn to have a baby next.” “You aren’t getting any younger.” “You can always try again.” “It’s God’s will.” And the dreaded advice of “Just relax.” These are well meaning, but very hurtful comments to someone grieving though a miscarriage or infertility. Also, be careful not to offer unsolicited advice, old wives tales, or things you read on the internet, in an attempt to offer solutions.  If you want to take action, pray for them, and be an emotionally and spiritually safe place for these women in your life. 

In addition to being sensitive to the women in your life that might be struggling this holiday season, I invite you all to say a Seven Sorrows Rosary for the women in your life, the ones that are mothers, the ones that desire to be mothers and the ones that have embraced Spiritual Motherhood. If you are not familiar with this rosary it is seven sets of seven with a mediation on each of Mary’s Seven Sorrows. Through Our Lady’s example we learn how to accept the crosses God has given us and we know how to walk, love and live with swords in our hearts.

Our Lady Of Sorrows, Pray for Us.