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Category: Holidays

Holidays

Healing Hopeful Hearts and the Holidays

posted on : December 15, 2020 0 Comment

Having lived through years of infertility, a miscarriage and ultimately living a childlessness life, I can speak from experience that the holidays, especially Christmas, can be excruciating for those trying to conceive, grieving a miscarriage or childless due to infertility or circumstance. Often we are unaware that our friends or family members are struggling. These are very private struggles that are rarely discussed openly, mainly because it can be too painful to talk about freely. Women struggling with infertility and miscarriage, not only experience grief as the try to process the loss of their dream to be a mother month after month, or as they try to process the loss of their pregnancy, but they are dealing with feelings of shame, guilt, anger and despair. 

When you add in the holidays and we see posts on social media of everyone’s children in matching Christmas plaids, it’s a holiday recipe for heartache. Every sweet little girl at mass in a red velvet dress and white tights and curious little boy in corduroy pants and a bow tie, is a painful reminder and a sword to the heart of the women grieving the loss of, or severe delay of, their hopes to become a mother. These scenes are reminders to these women that they are not yet, and may never be a mother. If you were to ask any woman that has lived with infertility, or through a miscarriage, they would all tell you they are genuinely happy for those around them with beautiful, growing families, but the sight of that family can also create a boulder of sadness that weighs heavily on their hearts, especially during the holidays.

I share these insights with you to bring awareness and understanding that if someone in your life is struggling with infertility or miscarriage, you can help champion them. I have had people say to me (my own family, as well as friends and a few strangers) they were curious about my struggle but they didn’t know how to ask, or if it was ok to talk about. The answer is yes, it is ok to talk about, but keep a few things in mind if you do. Many women welcome the chance to talk about their struggles, but they will rarely bring it up, however if asked, they will most likely be grateful for the chance to share their story with you. Just be sure to ask in private and from a place of love.  It is important to listen and simply seek to understand. That’s all you need to do. Try to be careful of your comments and avoid saying things such as “When are you going to have children?” “It’s your turn to have a baby next.” “You aren’t getting any younger.” “You can always try again.” “It’s God’s will.” And the dreaded advice of “Just relax.” These are well meaning, but very hurtful comments to someone grieving though a miscarriage or infertility. Also, be careful not to offer unsolicited advice, old wives tales, or things you read on the internet, in an attempt to offer solutions.  If you want to take action, pray for them, and be an emotionally and spiritually safe place for these women in your life. 

In addition to being sensitive to the women in your life that might be struggling this holiday season, I invite you all to say a Seven Sorrows Rosary for the women in your life, the ones that are mothers, the ones that desire to be mothers and the ones that have embraced Spiritual Motherhood. If you are not familiar with this rosary it is seven sets of seven with a mediation on each of Mary’s Seven Sorrows. Through Our Lady’s example we learn how to accept the crosses God has given us and we know how to walk, love and live with swords in our hearts.

Our Lady Of Sorrows, Pray for Us.

Holidays

Surviving the Holidays with a Hopeful Heart

posted on : November 18, 2020 1 Comment

I know firsthand what an incredibly emotional tender time the holidays can be for those of us on this healing journey. You want to celebrate and be present with friends and family yet you are carrying, and often hiding a deep wound—a wound that we struggle with because it can be aggravated and grow deeper as we see children running around the festivities in all their joy and cuteness. We are torn by feelings of longing, envy, and grief, and then the guilt kicks in because these precious little ones are often what can trigger these emotions.

For many these emotions are held in and not shared. And for those brave souls among us that have shared their struggles and grief you run the risk of the unintentionally hurtful comments from family and friends. You know the ones… “You can try again. It happens to a lot of couples. Why don’t you adopt? You can take one of my kids-haha.” I have actually had someone say to me “You’re so lucky because you get to sleep in on Christmas morning.” We smile and nod and break a little more inside.

This cross we carry in our desire and quest for children can be especially heavy as we approach the holidays. We have the added stress and pain of grieving the loss of a dream, the loss of a tiny life, the loss of an expectation and often the loss of hope, all in the midst of so much joy and celebration. All too often we suffer in silence during this time.

During the holidays we can all use a little extra help, so here are a few tips on surviving the holidays:

  1. Pray, pray and pray some more….Pray for peace in your heart, pray for acceptance of God’s will and His plans, pray for patience and increased faith. Then open your heart and listen.
  • Remember what Christmas is really about. It’s not about malls and wrapping paper and who makes the best pumpkin pie or arguing over who gets to host the family. It’s about celebrating the birth of Christ. Keep that in focus always.
  • Volunteer. Serving others is a great way to heal and open your heart to something other than the grief, sadness and longing you are feeling.
  • Tell people what you need. Be proactive and tell people you are hurting or that a situation is too much for you. Take the person aside and let them know or tell your spouse that something is causing you pain, hurt your feelings or is just too much. The more you communicate to people about what you need while you grieve or struggle the more people will help you and try their best to make you more comfortable in certain situations. Trust them to love you and support you especially during the holidays.
  • Talk to a counselor. While prayer is our anchor on any journey sometimes professional counseling is a wonderful additional way to make your healing journey even more fruitful. This is a vulnerable time and the support of a counselor could be the extra strength you need around the holidays.
  • Remember it’s ok to grieve. We are so afraid to be less than perfect or show weakness yet grieving can be one of the strongest things you do. You are suffering a loss. A loss of a dream, an expectation, a life. It’s ok, and it’s healthy to grieve. Do it with God and ask our Blessed Mother to hold you and walk with you on this journey. She is our mother and knows what we need to heal. Go to her and trust her during this tender time (and always).  
  • Be Grateful!  A wonderfully insightful priest I know taught me a powerful phrase—Belligerent Gratitude. Remember to be intentionally thankful daily. Write it down or shout it out each day. This is especially hard when we are vulnerable, raw and hurting but it is those times you need gratitude the most. Your heart and mind will fight you because it feels counter intuitive. Do it anyway, I promise you will not regret it.
  • Write. Writing is so powerful. Pen to paper. It’s a tangible connection to our feelings. We take these emotions swirling around us and make them real on paper and when they become real we can control them and understand them better. Write it down; get it out of your heart. Let your feelings have somewhere to flow.

We can’t avoid all the challenges the holidays bring but we can be active in our healing journey during this time (and any time). Nothing ever takes the grief fully away. Infertility, miscarriage and childlessness robs us of so much. It takes a part of us, physically or emotionally, and leaves us wanting. It is only through prayer, communication, trusting God and our loved ones, and opening our hearts to be filled with joy instead of sorrow, do we begin to heal. This holiday season be active in your healing. Prepare those you love that this might be a challenging time and trust that God will carry you through.

For more information about Healing Hopeful Hearts (H3), contact Whitney Allen at healinghopefulehearts.com

Holidays

To the Broken Hearted on Mother’s Day

posted on : May 15, 2020 0 Comment

For the women and men that are already dreading going to mass on Mother’s Day please read on. For the people that have no idea that Mother’s Day is a MAJOR emotional and spiritual trigger for women and men coping with infertility, miscarriage, loss of a child and childlessness, please read on. 

To those suffering in silence, who will be choking back tears in the pew on Mother’s Day, you are seen and you are loved. You are seen and loved by your community of fellow women grieving their own loss and you are seen and loved by our Blessed Mother and you are seen and loved by our merciful Father. You may not feel it on Mother’s Day this year but it is true that day more than ever. Offer your pain to our Father and pray to our Blessed Mother for intercession for peace of heart and peace in knowing God’s plan and timing for you is special and intentional. 

“Be kind to yourself that day. God made us for love and on challenging days like this it is more important than ever to remember we were made for love”

Be kind to yourself that day. God made us for love and on challenging days like this it is more important than ever to remember we were made for love. Part of that love is to love yourself. God does not want us to belittle, shame, doubt and blame ourselves for our grief. He wants is to love ourselves and honor ourselves as we were made in His image and likeness and God is love. That might sound like a flowery religious platitude or lazy advice in the midst of our pain, but it is true. Pray for an increased awareness of that love, pray for the knowledge that you are whole and He has a great plan for you and your loss and suffering is not for naught.  

Matthew 5:4 says Blessed are they who mourn for they will be comforted. Psalms 34:18 says The LORD is close to the brokenhearted, saves those whose spirit is crushed.  He sees you and He loves you and He will heal your heart. My prayer for you through the intercession of our Blessed Mother, to Saints Anne and Joachim, Gerard, Rita, Joseph, Gianna, Anthony of Padua, Philomena, Jude, Elizabeth, Hanna, Perpetua and Archangel Gabriel is that you find peace and comfort this Mother’s Day. That you hold your head up and your heart out. Be open to peace and healing.  Be open to saying “Today is really hard and I need help.” Say it to God and say it to your neighbor and family, say it to the stranger sitting next to you at mass. 

I pray that you go to mass on Mother’s Day. I have had many women tell me they just don’t go on Mother’s Day because it is too hard. I get it. I 110 percent get it. I have been there, I am still there. I don’t always go on Mother’s Day Sunday either, I’ll attend the Vigil mass on Saturday because it is just a little less hard. And when we are navigating this grief any small amount of relief is welcomed. But I urge you to go to mass. If your eyes fill with tears and your shoulders begin to shake, let it happen. Let the tears be a cleansing consolation from God. We should not fear vulnerability, we should let others see we are struggling. Let them comfort you. If you can’t bare your heart in the house of God where can you? 

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