Monthly Archives: April 2022

I want to just state as a reminder I am not a theologian, a grief counselor, a biblical scholar, or an expert at anything really. I am a woman that has been wounded and is working to heal those wounds and through sharing that personal journey I hope to help other women and men seeking healing as they navigate infertility, miscarriage and childlessness. 

These are my own observations and experiences. I do my best to reference reliable sources and quotes and share readings and research I have done and spiritual direction I have been given. Today’s podcast is going to be very religious in nature and by religious I mean Catholic and I will say theological for lack of another term as you may disagree with that classification. 

Ok so Today I wanted to talk about a meditation that has been very powerful for me. It has been my experience on the path to healing that we need to seek things that we can relate to, things we can tie our pain to so that we might gain some clarity, some understanding and maybe a bit of acceptance. And this meditation, well I am not so sure it is a meditation but I have personally meditated and prayed on this a great deal and it has given me a great deal of peace because it made me feel seen and known within my own grieving and healing process.  I learned about this in the prayer book, la pieta. The meditation is on the prayer to the shoulder wound of christ and more specifically on the revealing of that wound. It was not so much the prayer but the explanation. In La Pieta it says that St. Benard asked Our Lord which was his greatest unrecorded suffering and our lord answered I had on my shoulder while I bore my cross on the way of sorrows a grievous wound which was more painful than the others and which was not recorded by man.

It goes on and talks about honoring the wound and remitting sins. I was really moved by this the first time I read it and honestly I am moved by it every time I read it. A few things struck me, first, I had never heard of the shoulder wound of Christ and second I felt a deeper connection to Christ because of this wound. I felt a connection to the shoulder wound because that’s how I view infertility, miscarriage and childlessness. The grief and the challenges caused by infertility, miscarriage and childlessness are often unrecorded wounds that hurt more than all the others. 

We are all wounded throughout life, there’s no escaping that, a bad breakup, maybe you were bullied, maybe you got fired, maybe your parents were divorced, maybe you and a friend went separate ways. Maybe you lost a loved one. We get wounded throughout life and we all have a shoulder wound. A wound that no one knows about or no one realizes is as deep as it is, a wound that hurts more than all the other wounds. 

I connect with the Shoulder Wound of Christ through my infertility, my barrenness, my reality of being childless. It is a wound that no one sees. If someone didnt know my story and really most people that do know my story dont realize that this is my shoulder wound. The injury that hurts the most. When I learned about the Shoulder Wound of Christ I thought about how it could possibly go unseen, unknown and how could that be his most painful wound? He was scouraged, had nails driven into his body, a crown of thorns pushed into his head, he was whipped and ridiculed, betrayed and crucified but it was the shoulder wound that hurt the most. 

I have thought about why. Surely those other wounds were unimaginably painful so how could the shoulder wound be the most painful? I dont think it was because it was physically the most painful, I can only imagine having a nail driven through your feet and hands was excruciating. I think it was the most painful because it was the wound caused by carrying his cross, literally and figuratively. It was a wound that was caused by not only the sheer weight of his cross but also the constant agitation that wound experienced as rough wood splintered into his flesh and while his body and  soul must have cried out each time he stepped. It was the wound that with every step he was reminded of all the other wounds, everything that led to that moment. With each step the wound must have cried out in agony but he knew he had no choice but to take the next step forward knowing it would be excruciating. 

I think about how infertility is like this, each step is agonizing but you have no choice but to keep moving forward while dragging your cross, and your wound cries out but no one knows how much pain you are in, maybe they see the cross but rarely do they see the wound it causes. Miscarriage is the same. After a while people assume you are over it, but you carry that wound and it is deep and painful. People see your other wounds, the ones they can relate to or understand but I think the wound that is caused by the weight of our cross is overlooked because people dont see it, because it’s being hidden under the cross.  

I have done a LOT, A LOT of work on my own personal path to forward healing and most days I am successful in moving forward but it is never without pain, that’s not to say it’s not without peace or joy, but on some level the pain is always there. People do not see that pain. And as I said we all have a shoulder wound. A parent that didnt love us they way we should have been loved, a spouse that betrays you, anxiety, depression, addiction, we all have a shoulder wound. 

Jesus said this wound was not recorded by men. And what does that tell us? It tells us first and foremost no one knew about it and if they did know about it they didn’t deem it important enough to record. I think those of us on the forward healing journey feel that. It tells me if we dont tell our stories, if we dont invite others into our most wounded places no one will see those wounds as important. Jesus also said to honor his most painful wound. And we need to do the same for our own most painful wounds, we need to honor them. And the best way to honor something is to bring it to light. 

That’s scary, I know. Revealing the most painful places of our hearts is terrifying and the very idea makes those wounds hurt more. No one wants to reveal the wounds their cross makes. We usually have no trouble showing the cross but bearing the wound is a hole other level.  We are scared it will make us look weak and we are afraid if we share that wound with others they will not honor that pai. They will downplay or ignore our ache. We are afraid we will be wounded even more, so we protect that shoulder wound even more fiercely. 

But look at Christ. Do you read the story of his passion and see a weak man? No you see unreal strength, divine strength in a human body. I have heard a lot of people that doubt christ as the savior but I have never heard anyone doubt the pain he must have felt and saw him as weak. I think there are a  lot of lessons we can take from Christ’s shoulder wound but none of them are that in sharing our own deepest wound will make us look weak. Maybe people dont understand it, I am sure a lot of people would doubt his  testimony of that wound being the most painful. I think we feel that as people who have struggled with infertility, miscarriage and childlessness. They can see it hurts but I dont think people see that it is our most painful wound. They can’t see the constant agitation, splinters and brokenness. 

I return to that page in my pieta that has the prayer to the shoulder wound and the very short explanation of how we came to learn about that wound. I have read it hundreds of times. When I open my Pieta prayer book it falls to page 47 because I have worn the spine of the book so much to that page. I return to that page over and over again because on this journey we need to know we are understood, we need to know someone, anyone understands that this wound is our most painful and the wound that people don’t see. And who better to relate to then the one person who has suffered the most because of the cross they had to carry. 

I think Mary had a shoulder wound as well. Her’s was recorded though, it was when Simeon told her “This child is destined for the falling and the rising of many in Israel, and to be a sign that will be opposed so that the inner thoughts of many may be revealed – and a sword will pierce your own soul, too.” (Luke 2:34-35) Simeon is telling Mary that she will suffer along with her son. 

I think the shoulder wound and the sword through the soul are kindred. We all have it. The sorrow that we carry not just in our bodies or in our hearts but in our souls. When you lose a dream, when your very purpose on this earth is challenged, when your body betrays you  when your identity as a woman or a man is shaken to its core, we receive a sword through the soul, a shoulder wound. It has been revealed to us that we encounter Christ through Mary so it would make sense that we enter through Christ’s wounds, encounter his shoulder wound, first, through his mother who carried a sword in her soul. She suffered first, she was wounded by her own cross and that allows us to understand Christ’s shoulder wound and in turn it allows us to understand our own wounds.

I have shared that through my time of trying to conceive I was away from the church and if someone shared all of this with me at that time I might have rolled my eyes and then run in the opposite direction. BUT I think no matter where you are in your faith you can understand the shoulder wound. The most painful, the one that is unknown, unseen or misunderstood. No matter who you are you can relate to the wound that is the most painful and I would bet that wound is never physical. It’s always a wound of the soul. 

The wounds to the soul are the ones that hurt the most, the ones people dont see and the ones we carry like a heavy cross with every step. And people dont see them because all they see is you living life, smiling and  moving forward, they see you taking the next step so they dont realize the pain you are carrying. I think that is what Christ felt. 

Now maybe you are thinking infertility, miscarriage and childlessness is nothing compared to the wounds Christ suffered. And I would not disagree however if we can not find meaning and healing for our own wounds through Christs wounds then what was the point of his suffering? He suffered not only to save us through redemption but also so that we can begin to understand our own suffering. 

I have been able to connect deeply to Christs shoulder wound and to the sword through MAry’s heart because that is what my pain has and still does feel like. I am not being dramatic or hyperbolic. This wound is profound and brutal.  Wounds carried that no one sees, pain no one understands but I am not alone. As I said we ALL have these wounds. And I find deep comfort in knowing Christ suffered first, Mary suffered first. They carried their crosses and so must we. A life of faith does not mean a life without pain, it does not mean a life where we get everything we desire. It means there is more. It means despite our wounds those seen and unseen there is more.

I think that might be why Christ asked St. Bernard to share his most painful wound and promised those who honored his shoulder wound, the unrecorded, most painful wound, special forgiveness. I think there is profound beauty in the fact that Saint Bernard ASKED Christ what his greatest unrecorded suffering was. I have sat with that as well. Imagine if we all approach each other with the same question. Imagine how much more compassionate and kind we would be to each other. This past Sunday, the second reading was Eph 4:30

Be kind to one another, compassionate, forgiving one another as God has forgiven you in Christ. So be imitators of God, as beloved children, and live in love, as Christ loved us and handed himself over for us as a sacrificial offering to God for a fragrant aroma. 

I am not going to claim to know what Christ was thinking or his purpose in revealing his shoulder wound. But Maybe it was, at least in part, to remind us that we all suffer and we must be kind to one another and compassionate. Perhaps he wanted to let us know that even he had a wound that was unknown and the most painful and that Jesus is God and we are made in God’s image and likeness and therefore we too, each and every one of us will have a wound like his shoulder wound caused by the cross we must bare. Maybe, I like to think so, but as I said, I am not a theologian or a biblical scholar. 

The two main themes for me here are that we all have a shoulder wound, not a single person is spared from this, because Christ was not spared but he suffered so that we could find hope and healing. The second theme is kindness and compassion and understanding. We are all wounded, some because we can not have children, because we have lost a pregnancy, because we have not found a spouse yet, some because they have a chronic illness, a failed marriage, loss of a parent, we all have a wound that no one else sees, or really sees, a wound that is a sword through our hearts and if we approach everyone like St Bernard did Christ and ask what is your most painful wound that no one sees we might start to heal each other. Now I am not suggesting you walk up to people and ask what their deepest wound is, that might be awkward, but I am suggesting you approach every person with the knowledge that they too have a shoulder wound and we all carry that wound differently. Some people shut down, some over compensate, some lash out. And Perhaps not everyone that is navigating infertility sees their infertility or their miscarriage as their shoulder wound but I think a lot of us do. Also, for those that do not have infertility or no longer do, those of you that have a different kind of shoulder wound, and if you know someone that has infertility, someone that has suffered a miscarriage or someone that desires a family and has not been able to build one for whatever reason, just remember that even though they may not be outwardly hurting, it’s very likely that is their shoulder wound so be gentle. 

We were made for each other, we were made for each other to love, by love and for love and part of that love means knowing every single one of us has a shoulder wound, it means respecting with compassion and kindness we all have the same wound Christ had, the one no one recorded, the one that is the most painful. And with that understanding we can begin to heal, we can find forward healing by understanding Christ’s wounds, by knowing Mary suffered first, and knowing we all desire, like Christ did, for others to see those wounds. 

Christ wanted us to know about his shoulder wound. He wanted us to know so we could more fully realize his humanity and his desire for us to see the unseen pain. And isn’t that what we all desire, to be seen, for someone, anyone to see the most wounded places because in being seen we can begin to heal because when we are seen we are no longer alone. 

And this forward healing, this grief journey is lonely. But it doesn’t have to be. Jesus came to show us how to live and how to suffer. You are not alone because he knows what it feels like to have a wound that is unknown and profoundly painful, you are not alone and your pain is not unseen. He sees it, he knows it, his mother knows the wound in your soul, you are not alone.