I know firsthand what an incredibly emotional tender time the holidays can be for those of us on this healing journey. You want to celebrate and be present with friends and family yet you are carrying, and often hiding a deep wound—a wound that we struggle with because it can be aggravated and grow deeper as we see children running around the festivities in all their joy and cuteness. We are torn by feelings of longing, envy, and grief, and then the guilt kicks in because these precious little ones are often what can trigger these emotions.
For many these emotions are held in and not shared. And for those brave souls among us that have shared their struggles and grief you run the risk of the unintentionally hurtful comments from family and friends. You know the ones… “You can try again. It happens to a lot of couples. Why don’t you adopt? You can take one of my kids-haha.” I have actually had someone say to me “You’re so lucky because you get to sleep in on Christmas morning.” We smile and nod and break a little more inside.
This cross we carry in our desire and quest for children can be especially heavy as we approach the holidays. We have the added stress and pain of grieving the loss of a dream, the loss of a tiny life, the loss of an expectation and often the loss of hope, all in the midst of so much joy and celebration. All too often we suffer in silence during this time.
During the holidays we can all use a little extra help, so here are a few tips on surviving the holidays:
- Pray, pray and pray some more….Pray for peace in your heart, pray for acceptance of God’s will and His plans, pray for patience and increased faith. Then open your heart and listen.
- Remember what Christmas is really about. It’s not about malls and wrapping paper and who makes the best pumpkin pie or arguing over who gets to host the family. It’s about celebrating the birth of Christ. Keep that in focus always.
- Volunteer. Serving others is a great way to heal and open your heart to something other than the grief, sadness and longing you are feeling.
- Tell people what you need. Be proactive and tell people you are hurting or that a situation is too much for you. Take the person aside and let them know or tell your spouse that something is causing you pain, hurt your feelings or is just too much. The more you communicate to people about what you need while you grieve or struggle the more people will help you and try their best to make you more comfortable in certain situations. Trust them to love you and support you especially during the holidays.
- Talk to a counselor. While prayer is our anchor on any journey sometimes professional counseling is a wonderful additional way to make your healing journey even more fruitful. This is a vulnerable time and the support of a counselor could be the extra strength you need around the holidays.
- Remember it’s ok to grieve. We are so afraid to be less than perfect or show weakness yet grieving can be one of the strongest things you do. You are suffering a loss. A loss of a dream, an expectation, a life. It’s ok, and it’s healthy to grieve. Do it with God and ask our Blessed Mother to hold you and walk with you on this journey. She is our mother and knows what we need to heal. Go to her and trust her during this tender time (and always).
- Be Grateful! A wonderfully insightful priest I know taught me a powerful phrase—Belligerent Gratitude. Remember to be intentionally thankful daily. Write it down or shout it out each day. This is especially hard when we are vulnerable, raw and hurting but it is those times you need gratitude the most. Your heart and mind will fight you because it feels counter intuitive. Do it anyway, I promise you will not regret it.
- Write. Writing is so powerful. Pen to paper. It’s a tangible connection to our feelings. We take these emotions swirling around us and make them real on paper and when they become real we can control them and understand them better. Write it down; get it out of your heart. Let your feelings have somewhere to flow.
We can’t avoid all the challenges the holidays bring but we can be active in our healing journey during this time (and any time). Nothing ever takes the grief fully away. Infertility, miscarriage and childlessness robs us of so much. It takes a part of us, physically or emotionally, and leaves us wanting. It is only through prayer, communication, trusting God and our loved ones, and opening our hearts to be filled with joy instead of sorrow, do we begin to heal. This holiday season be active in your healing. Prepare those you love that this might be a challenging time and trust that God will carry you through.
For more information about Healing Hopeful Hearts (H3), contact Whitney Allen at healinghopefulehearts.com
Hi, this is a comment. To get started with moderating, editing, and deleting comments, please visit the Comments screen in…