The Joy Deficit

When we are grieving, when we are angry, depressed, envious, sad or frustrated, we stop seeing the wonder and awe in the world and in turn we lose sight of the desire and need for joy. 

There is so much that is lost when a miscarriage occurs, and how much time we lose as we navigate infertility and how much ache exists with childlessness. It can feel like you are operating in a constant joy deficit. We are missing something, always. We go through each day longing and desiring and we lose sight of the need to actually identify what it is we are missing. And  I dont think we realize we are missing anything other than the one thing we want, a child. But I think in the midsts of grief what we are really missing, the biggest thing we lose, is joy and joy requires wonder and awe. We need to be able to see the wonder in the world and find ourselves in awe of the people and things around us and that is where joy comes from because that is where we encounter God. And being able to seek joy in the midst of pain feels impossible. Because when you are not getting something you want so badly, when the pain is so deep the last thing you are willing to do is trust and joy requires trust. 

It’s my experience that on this particular journey we have to seek joy. And it feels unobtainable. There are days when you are so sad, so riddled with pain that it feels like you will never be happy again and that the only thing that will make you  happy, truly happy is to have everything work out the way you desire it. And you can find yourself in this place for years. For years you can stay in a place of longing and never fully enjoying life, you end up in a holding pattern waiting for happiness, real happiness. And you can convince yourself the only thing that will bring you real happiness and real joy is a child. And honestly I think everyone, even those not actively  grieving can experience this. 

We can desire something with so much intensity that we lose sight of anything else when we become immersed in our desire and our pain to a level that nothing else could possibly bring satisfaction, nothing else but the one thing we long for, whether its a baby, a house, a spouse, wash board abs, a boyfriend, a certain lifestyle, a car, whatever it is you find your self continuing to seek, search, and fight to obtain that one thing that you believe will be the only way you can find satisfaction and we tend to  think that satisfaction will bring us joy.

Now I am not trying to compare the desire for a child with the desire to have a bigger house, my point is we can allow anything, big or small, to interfere with finding joy. So let’s define joy. Peter Kreeft, a Phd professor of philosophy at Boston College wrote that Pleasure is in the body. Happiness is in the mind and feelings. Joy is deep in the heart, the spirit, the center of the self. The way to pleasure is power and prudence, The way to happiness is moral goodness, The way to joy is sanctity, loving God with your whole heart and your neighbor as well.  

Let’s look at these three things, pleasure, happiness and joy in relation to the grief and longing. How many of you have eaten a huge piece of cake, a bowl of ice cream or a bag of doritos because you were sad or maybe because you were celebrating, you were trying to fill a space inside you inside you with pleasure. Something physical, but I am going to bet afterwards you probably beat yourself up a little or found that empty space we still empty. Happiness, sounds great right we want to be happy, and it’s important to remember that happiness as Kreeft says is in the mind, in the feelings. So we seek things that will ease our mind and make us feel good about ourselves. We surround ourselves with things that invoke the feelings of happiness and that is not a bad thing, however it’s still not joy. And it is joy that we really seek. Kreeft says that joy is loving god with your whole heart and your neighbor as well. That’s where joy is. But in order to love, we must first trust and in order to trust we must let go. 

Joy is found on the other side of letting go. We have to release our desires and trust that God will lead us to where we need to be, where we will find him, love him, trust and there we find joy. And remember, letting go does not mean giving up. Think about how you receive something, do you approach someone giving you something with crossed arms and clenched fists? No you open your hands in  order to receive it. When we are holding tight to something, a dream, a desire, a person, a hope, we do it with clenched hands for fear that if we let go we will lose the tiny bit of control we have on our desire but we forget that in order to receive we must let go and open our hands. That is not giving up, that is letting go in order to receive something that might look different but is none the less a gift. 

When we talk about redefining, renewing and reclaiming all of these things require letting go. You have to let go of the anger, the sadness and the envy. You have to let go of the notion that you know best the path your life should take, you have to let go of the fear and skepticism and the hardest I think is to let go of the expectation. 

You have to be actively willing  to see the beauty all around you and look beyond your own desires. Again I do not in any way mean to diminish the desire for a child, that desire is real, it is emotional, physical and spiritual. And there is nothing wrong with that desire. Where we enter into a danger zone is when we make anything other than loving God the lynch pin for our happiness, our joy, that’s when we put ourselves in danger. 

Look, I will never understand why God didn’t give me a child, never. And there is a part of me that will always long for what could have been, a part of me that will always grieve on some level for the child I miscarried and the children I never had but I have come to learn that that desired outcome for a child can not be where my joy and happiness comes from. It can’t. I tried that, I tried tying my joy and happiness to that dream to that desire and when it didnt happen I became fractured in a way I didnt think I could ever be whole again. 

I think that happens with a lot of people, maybe all of us on some level. When we become emotionally fractured to a point where it feels like we are about to come apart and in some instances perhaps we do come apart we can stall out there. We can become immersed so deeply in our grief that we convince ourselves that there is no happiness or joy beyond the thing we desire most. And that’s where I found myself, convinced I would never be happy or joyful unless I had this dream come true. 

And this is tough to say especially when referencing a child, but we feel that way because whether we admit it or not the reason we feel that absence of happiness and joy is because we are putting that thing we desire most, even a child, ahead of our love and trust in God. 

I know deeply devote people that would cringe at this statement because they are praying and turning to God every step of their grief so I understand my assessment could sting a little. But when we say we trust God, but then put up a barrier where we resist happiness and joy because we are not gifted with the thing we desire, even a child, we are not fully trusting God. Ok I know that’s a hard thing to hear, it’s a hard thing to say and it took me a really really long time to realize this and I still struggle with it . But I believe it’s true. If we stop working towards happiness and joy especially when we are suffering, on some level we are not trusting God. 

Look, I get it, maybe more than most, when you are begging and pleading with God you might be tempted to think you are surrendering to God and therefore loving and trusting him. But I think true surrender is when in the midst of our pain and suffering we can say, this sucks, this hurts, I do not understand why but I trust you God and even if I do not get the thing I desire most, I will trust in your love and trust you will sustain me and in that place, together with God we can begin to redefine, reclaim and renew happiness and joy. 

It’s still going to hurt, and there will still be the desire but you need to find a way,  through God to let go, and when you can let go, trusting that maybe you will be given what you desire and maybe you wont, that regardless of the outcome, you can and will find happiness and joy. 

So let’s get back to the wonder and awe. Look at children, they are wild and free, for the most part, They don’t over analyze they take everything in the moment, sure there are some kids that struggle but the vast majority of children, at least up to a certain age, are blissfully unaware of the carnage around them. They have little or no cares in the world. Why? Because they live in a state of Let Go. And they can live that way  Because they trust their parents. They know their parents are going to protect them feed them love them, care for them, carry them. And they know this without actually consciously thinking about it. They just know so they have a freedom adults lose. Because they trust. Maybe they don’t get everything they desire but they know each day they dont have to worry about much. And God wants the same for us as adults, he wants us to trust he will sustain us and we dont need to shut down and clench our fists. We need to turn to trust him like a child trusts a parent. Not always understanding why we can or can not do something but letting go and trusting Him as a father. 

I think there is some serious irony in looking to children for an example of joy and happiness to an audience desiring a child. But God is funny sometimes. 

Now you dont, well maybe some people do, but most people dont go from deep grief to abundant joy in an instant or by sheer will. There are a lot of steps in between.  And that’s where forward healing, redefining reclaiming and renewing comes in. It’s a process. It’s letting go of the expectation you have created for the outcome of the one thing you desire. We can become emotionally dependent on achieving pregnancy and delivering a child. And we cling to the expectation of success and it can become an obsession. When we become so fixated on one thing it is really hard to see beyond that thing and it can make you feel manic, you might be ok one second but then suddenly and dramatically devastated the next and it is a violent emotional pendulum that usually swings way to far on the grief side. 

So going from unfulfilled expectations, grief, sadness and clenching your fists straight to letting go and trusting God entirely is probably not going to happen overnight or even over the course of a few days. It’s going to be more like months or even years. Probably years. This wound, this grief is deep, so deep you might not be in a place to even realize you can’t see beyond it. It will take time, give yourself some grace, You need to start small. But you need to start. For your own sake, for the sake of your heart and those you love, for the sake of your relationship with God you need to start to find ways to make the Joy deficit smaller. 

There are a few ways you can start the letting go process. Each person is different you need to work towards what works best for you and it might take a few times to figure that out AND it might be several different things that change and evolve as you move closer to seeking happiness and joy. Begin with just the idea that maybe you could be happy and find joy no matter what the outcome is. It’s just a thought, just being open to the idea. Start there. That’s it just open yourself to that thought. Again you are not giving up, you can still actively try to have a child or another child, but this releasing, the leaning into the idea that your happiness and joy can be discovered no matter your ultimate outcome. Just be open to the idea. That’s it.

While you are starting to open up to the possibility of happiness and joy even if things dont turn out the way you plan them or desire them, i would invite you to do something challenging, physically. For me it was yoga. Perhaps for you  it’s rock climbing or running a mile, maybe it’s hiking, try something that will challenge you physically that you can work towards improvement, something that really takes you out of your comfort zone. I think this is helpful because we can get down on ourselves because our bodies are not working the way we want them to. When you can do hard things physically it gives you a sense of control back and it also shows you that your body can do hard things and it can help you begin to reclaim your control, your self confidence and strength. 

Maybe you start to trust God a bit more. Perhaps you think you already do and I am sure you do on some level, but just go a little further. Now trusting God does not mean you throw up your hands and let Jesus take the Wheel while you sit in the backseat and take a nap. You still work, you still plan you still pray but you trust God all along the way so if something does not go according to your plan you can open the space to trust that maybe God has an alternate route for you. Start with little things, when you are stuck in traffic in stead of getting angry and frustrated trust that you are being made to wait for a reason, A meeting gets cancelled and you have time on your hands, trust God is working in that space. Just start with the little things and make it a habit, a discipline and I assure you in time you will begin to let go and trust him with the bigger things. In the words of Padre Pio, pray, hope don’t worry and this can help you begin to renew what hope looks like for you. 

As you work towards deepening your trust for God, your love for him will grow and when you have that deeper trust and love, letting go becomes easier, Sometimes you won’t even know it’s happening and when you are able to let go, even just a little, you can begin to redefine where you find happiness and joy.

I hope you can see how this is all connected. We lose our wonder and awe as we age but especailly when find ourselves in active grieving 

, and when we lose that child like wonder and awe it illuminates to us that we are missing happiness and most importantly joy in our lives as we struggle. We hold back, clench our hands and cling to our deepest desire, and that is not wrong seeking our deepest desire is not wrong but clenching and clutching to only that desire and not trusting God will result in us staying in a state of joy deficit. And we all feel that don’t we, the joy deficit, on some level at all times it’s there. The more we clench our fists the deeper that deficit can feel.  By working towards letting go and trusting God we begin to regain the happiness and joy and in return we start to see that wonder and awe again or at least the potential for it to return to our lives and our hearts and through letting go we can begin to reclaim, renew and redefine ourselves and our relationship with God, which in turn increases our joy which is always and directly tied to our willingness and ability to trust and love God regardless of our circumstances. I invite you to trust more than you fear, open your hands just a bit and be open to receiving a little more joy but letting go and trusting God to fill the joy deficit you are feeling.